Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Losses and Gains

My stroke has take things away from me (some I'll never get back and others might come back):

- The first month of Carter's life. I'm trying to make up for lost time now, but I won't get that time back ever.
-The breastfeeding relationship we started to develop the first week of his life. That is gone forever, and is a huge disappointment for me given that I wasn't able to have one with Evan either (and even though I know it's okay, and both boys will be fine, but it was always something that was very important to me).
-A month of Evan's childhood, where he seems to be changing a lot and turning more and more into a little boy.
- The first Thanksgiving as a family of four.
- Parts of me - the thing I notice the most is I can't remember when I really laughed the last time. Right now I call myself "stroke Alyssa". Will I ever be "before stroke Alyssa" again, or just someone different?

Are there gains? Sure.

- My relationship with DH has strengthened - it's amazing that a tragic event can make that happen.
- I appreciate our families so much, and how life is easier and better when they're close by.
- There are so many wonderful people out there willing to help, even if you're not close with them.
- Accepting and asking for help is a skill I need to work on :)
- I have more of an appreciation of how lucky I am to even be here right now.
- More interest in how the brain works, the causes and effects of strokes, and  just wanting to know more.
- Wanting to become and advocate for or somehow help other stroke sufferers.

PS: I'm really considering writing a story/book about this experience. That seems really daunting though.