Thursday, March 21, 2013

Just the Pants, Thanks

When did clothes shopping start to feel like running through an up-sale obstacle course?

I was recently shopping for some pants in a store I regularly shop in:

"Hi! Can I help you find anything?"

"No, thanks...I'm just looking right now."

"Well, if you haven't been in for a while, here's a HUGE LONG EXPLANATION of our store layout and our current sales which are posted obviously all over the place."

"Great, thanks". Goes over to the jeans to pick out some to try on.

"Did you need any help with sizes? Sometimes different styles fit different ways and other obvious things that people who have shopped for their own clothing for 20+ years know already."

"Yes - it looks like all these come in my size. Thanks!" Heads to dressing room.

"How are the sizes? Sometimes your size will change depending on the fit....yadda, yadda, yadda..."

"Everything fits fine, thanks". Tries on 4 pairs of pants and a skirt, decides 3 pants work very well. Comes out of the changing room.

"How did everything go? Do you need tops too? How are you doing for bras and panties (??)?"

"I'll take these three and these didn't work. I don't need anything else."

"Oh - was it the size or the style? Is there something I can magically do to those garments to make you want to plunk down cash on them needlessly? Or something else I can do to make you spend money on other things you don't want?"

"They just didn't work. I'll take these."

"Do you have our uber-duber special membership card that gets you 1% off with every $3456 you spend in the month of May every second year?"

"I might...I don't carry cards though."

Looks me up in the system using my phone number and makes sure every single bit of contact information is still current.

"I assume you've started your spring time skin rejuvenating regime?"

"Um, no...I don't even know what that means. No thanks."

"What?? But you don't want your skin to look horrible once sandals and shorts season is here!!!"

Just give me the pants. Just give me the pants. JUST GIVE ME THE FUCKING PANTS.

"So, you're $2 short to get a $50 gift card...what would you like to buy? We have a giant list of useless things, these accessories, and OH YES, our amazing skin cream for the regime I was trying to sell you before."

"Just give me one of those random accessories." 

Idle conversation about the lack of a chip on my credit card, the weather, etc..

"Okay!! So, here's a summary of your whole shopping experience. Here's some other information that you will never use and is totally useless. Thanks for coming in, and remember, if you need tops, bras, panties, skin care, or ANYTHING else, come back! We'll call you to remind you!!!"

"Thanks for your help - bye."

Didn't clothes shopping used to be simple?