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Thursday, January 13, 2011

This is it

This post is hard for me to write. It's always hard to admit things aren't perfect, especially as a mom. But, I figure if I'm going to blog about motherhood, I want it to be real. So, here it is.

I find myself thinking "Is this it? Is this my life now?" fairly often.

Don't get me wrong - I love Evan more than I ever thought I would. But, day after day of feeding, diapers, crying, pumping, rocking, holding, bathing, and getting kicked in the nipple over and over again (seriously! Do his feet have a homing beacon to my nipples??), it can get tiring and overwhelming.

As much as I thought I was prepared for how much our lives would change, I never truly got that you just never get a break. Ever. It's continuous and it goes on forever. FOREVER.

It's not like I want to go back to life before him. I don't. He makes me happier than I ever have been --- most of the time. And even when I'm frustrated, annoyed, or overwhelmed, his smile reminds me of why I'm doing this.

But, wouldn't it be nice if I could knit more than a few stitches, read more than a couple pages, write more than a couple sentences of a blog post, watch more than a few minutes of a favorite TV show, or go to the bathroom without being interrupted by a scream or cry? Even when DH comes home and takes over with Evan, I don't get a break because dinner needs to be made or something else needs to be done.

Then there is the pumping. Good Lord, the pumping. Okay, so I know I'm doing the best I can for Evan by providing him milk this way (we gave up on breast feeding about a month ago - best parenting decision I've made so far), but it sucks up a lot of time (25-30 minutes 5 times a day). During the day when I'm alone with Evan it can be hard to take a half-hour to pump. I try to keep him entertained (or at least quiet with --- yes, sue me --- a pacifier), but that just doesn't work all the time.

I know I should relish every moment with him when he's this young. Every parent I know has told me to enjoy this stage because it goes by so quickly. But, you know what? I don't enjoy every second of it, and as hard as it is to say, I think that's okay. Not just okay - it's reality.