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Friday, January 15, 2010

(Would Have Been) 13 Weeks

Today I would have been 13 weeks pregnant. The 2nd trimester (2T). The "safe zone", where the chances of a miscarriage go down drastically.

I've been having problems dealing with the loss this week for some reason. This week has been harder than every other week except the first one. I've been crying to DH pretty much every night about my confusion and my fears.

I wonder if it's because the 2T milestone was looming?

This was the last week that I had written on my calendar (each Friday started a new week, so I had weeks 6-13 marked down already). I tried to scratch the writing out but, of course, the scratches reminded me of what I was trying to cover up.

When I woke up this morning, realizing the date, I made the conscious decision that now is the time to try to make strides to move on. It's been a month, and I have felt grief like I never have. It's time to let go of that pain. I don't mean that I want to forget, because I never will. What I want to do is stop trying to figure out why it happened, what it means, and stop blaming myself.

I need to get my head back into a positive space now, especially since we will be starting to try again soon. I have been avoiding my therapist since the miscarriage occurred, and I think it's time to go back. I think it's time to let go of all the pain and negativity, and start focusing on what's to come.