Monday, January 11, 2010

Back on the TTC Horse

I had another blood test last Monday, and the results show that my Beta levels are down where they should be. My cycle seems to be back on track already as well, so we'll probably be TTC again in the next month or so.

Half the time I'm excited about it - I'm excited to be PG again, and to bring our Baby G back. But the other half of the time I'm so scared. What if there is another miscarriage? And another and another? What if we have to endure multiple miscarriages? I know that it would be worth it if we could have a happy, healthy baby one day, but it's just so scary to think about going through.

I guess, though, that's the risk we have to be willing to take. Being parents is something we both want so badly, that we're willing to go through the pain and agony all over again. I guess the good thing is we know we can get through it, and come out stronger than before.

Anyway, that's where my head has been at recently. Going back and forth between the two. Most days are good now. I can even think and talk about the miscarriage, and be okay. But sometimes I just get overwhelmed and cry and think about what could have been (and what's to come), especially at milestone markers (this Friday, for example, I would be 13 weeks along - just entering the second trimester). Mostly though, I'm excited to get back in the game, moving toward having a family of our own.