Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Time Marches On...

...whether I want it to or not.

It's strange - all these little bouts of normalcy in the middle of a grief-stricken time. The cats still need to be fed, the dishes washed, my teeth brushed...time just refuses to stand still, even for a little while. Sometimes I wish it would - Why wouldn't the world want to stop to mourn our baby? But most times I am grateful that it pushes forward. Afterall, time does heal.

Right now we are in a bubble, living in our own world on our own schedule. I find it so strange and heartbreaking that the world around us just keeps going as if nothing has happened. People say their kind words, and then get back to their life, sorry that it happened but thankful that it's not happening to them. We appreciate all the support we're given, but nothing really comforts us like the stories we hear of others that have been through the same thing.

I absolutely dread going back into the real world. I feel like I will break down at any moment - anytime I see a small child, or a pregnant woman; anytime someone asks us if we're going to have kids soon (that was just annoying before this whole thing, now it will just be excruciatingly painful); anytime someone asks why I haven't been at work for a while; anytime I go into a clothing store and see those little tiny socks for newborns...

I dread having to pretend that nothing happened, especially at work since no one really knows what has happened. Even if people do know, I feel like we have to say "we're okay" so that we save them from the sadness, from the effort it takes of having to be around pain. It's not fair to them, after all, for us to bring them down.

I've decided to not go in to work for the rest of the week. I am not going to the department Christmas party on Friday, and I'm contemplating skipping our group party on Sunday as well. I am emotionally and physically drained. DH has stayed with me so far, but eventually we won't be able to be with each other 24 hours a day. What then? What will I do without him beside me?

The tone of this blog may change for a while...it may change for good...