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Sunday, May 3, 2009

Downward Spiral

I should have seen the signs over the last few days: lack of energy, emotional, numbness, irritability, lack of interest in pretty much everything...I'm starting that downward spiral into my depressions that I get from time to time.

It's hard to describe how I feel when this happens. It kind of feels like I'm doing everything in slow motion and that my head is in a fog. Things that usually excite me or put a smile on my face do nothing for me. I feel numb to everything and everyone.

One very bad thing that happens is my self-esteem absolutely plummets. I feel very fat and very ugly and very stupid. I feel like no one likes me or wants to be around me - and if they do, then they're just putting me on and when I leave they talk badly about me. I think I am a bad person.

I am not exactly sure what has spurred it on this time. I have a feeling it might be the anxiety about writing the thesis. In my head, I was pretty sure I can get it done in a month or so. Got to say, that I just feel like dragging it on so I don't feel the pressure to submit early.

I've tried some things this weekend to try and escape the spiral: gone to the gym, went for a walk, ate some junk food, read, napped --- all have done nothing. All I want to do is curl up in bed and never come out.