Saturday, January 3, 2009

Dreading Monday

Every time I think about going back to work on Monday I get a nervous feeling in my gut. Not because I don’t like what I’m doing, but because 1) I feel guilty for not doing anything the past two weeks and 2) I can’t believe how much work I have to do in order to finish my thesis in six months (6 MONTHS!!!???).

I took these two weeks away from work on purpose – so that I could come back in January renewed and able to tackle my work with more vigor and (let’s be honest) interest. I only have a few months left, so I want to ramp up my productivity and really dig in. I actually get excited about my research…until I start making a mental list of what I have to do, and when I have to do it by. Then, I just feel overwhelmed and want to curl up in a corner in the fetal position.

I know, once I actually think it through, that I should be able to finish everything on the schedule I have set for myself. I also know that, if things don’t go well, I have a few months to play with before we move. But, these facts don’t make me feel better, and I think I figured out why:

I’m SCARED TO DEATH about my defense! Seriously – I wish I could put it off forever. I know, I know --- if you get to the defense, then you’re pretty much guaranteed to pass, and all that BS --- but, for God’s sake, my butt puckers up just thinking about it!

I’m so bad on my feet in a normal situation that I can’t even imagine how I’m going to be when four professors want to see me lose my mind and run out of the room crying! Plus, everyone has always said to me that I will eventually feel confident in my subject area, and I’ll know more about it than anyone (even my supervisor). That hasn’t happened yet --- is it coming??

The bad thing is I’ve done a defense before for my masters and that doesn’t help one bit. In fact, I think it makes it worse because I have an idea of what’s coming, and it’s not pleasant.

Maybe I’ll get lucky with some divine intervention – like the physics building imploding, or going into a coma, or winning the lottery and paying off my committee.